Dead Blonde Skank
by fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs
Summary: The dead blonde, the psycho fiance, the show-off Ron, the morbid Seamus, egg-like boss, hyperventilated Harry and in the middle of all, the frizz princess! CHAPTER SIX IS UP...FINALLY!
1. Malfoy Died Let's Get Blitzed!

**Dead Blonde Skank" By: fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs**

**Disclaimer**: We don't own Harry Potter or its characters. They belong to our queen J. K. Rowling and its product of her marvellous imagination. Call us sometime babe. ^_~ We just own the plot and the people we want to shag.

**A/N:**This piece of creative writing has come to our perverted minds while thinking of useful ways to kill our brother (who's name is undisclosed). We very hope is of your liking. If some lady out there is a beta, please contact us! Now on with the story mate!

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"No kidding, is it true?"

"Wow, so young…Pity, huh?"

That's what I heard everywhere I walked. I didn't really cared though. I stopped believing in the Daily Prophet long time ago. What had happened, I don't know. As I said I don't care. I looked at my watch… I was getting impatient. Harry said he would be here at 10:30…its 10:45…Oh well, boys will be boys. 

    My cell phone rang. Yes, I _have_ a cell phone in the wizarding world. I believe they are sometimes more effective than owls. 

"HELLOOOO…ANYBODY??? HERMIONE YOU THERE??? 

 Unmistakable voices. It was Fred and George. Ever since they opened the joke-slash-candy shoppe they have been a little…well annoying. They want me to pull the perfect prank to Ron, since I look, and quote "Virginal… innocent." Lucky me, they don't know that I always wanted to shag their older brother Bill. 

"You don't have to yell, you know, I'm not deaf.

"Sorry Mione, this muggle crap isn't really our thing. Anyways my princess…"

There he goes. All "Mr. Suave".

"We have just received a shipment of the new generation of fake wands. It's so real; you can't even tell the difference! It's designed to "transfigurate" into the exact replica of the one to prank, in this case, Ron's wand."

    Fred took the phone this time. "When you command the desired curse, other one will come out… and attack directly to the person holding the wand. It'll be great at a quidditch match; it will leave our lovely brother with a beautiful shade of pink in his face! He will look…marvellous!"

   My little inner devil popped out…Just imagine, Ron the Show-off, doing the ridiculous firework show he always does at quidditch matches, getting blown-up by his own wand in front of his team!

"Guys…"

"Oh c'mon Hermione, you know he deserves it!"

"I'll think about it."

"YOU ARE GREAT! WE JUST LOVE YOU! YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS---" I cut them off. No more kiss-assing for today.

I looked around. I was _really_ getting annoying. Wizards and Witches were now acting way too weird…forming little groups and chatting, strike that, _debating _what it appeared to be a hot topic. I wondered, what has happened. My little brain instantly started working…and fast. Had Harry defeated Voldemort and I haven't been informed? My thoughts were utterly interrupted…

"Mione, we need to talk" Harry whispered in my ear. "But not here, elsewhere…dicreet." 

"Then where?" I stated.

"In muggle London." The green-eyed boy's face cringed. He hated muggle London. I eyed him suspiciously. 'What in Hades name is he up to?'

  Harry walked me to the end of Diagon Alley, guiding me by the waist. We entered a small café in the outskirts of Diagon Alley. Safe enough.

"What's wrong Harry, did you defeat You-Know-Who?" 

"No." He scoffed. I looked at my best friend. From 71/2 years of experience, I just_ knew _when something was wrong.

"Hermione…you need to get out of here. _We_ need to get out of here." Harry said dead serious and rather nervous. 

"WHAT?!" I kind of yelled.

   Harry opened his two emerald-green eyes at me. They were almost bolting out of his face. Quite funny.

  I continued, lowering my voice "What's the matter? This is no time to run away from You-Know-Who, not now after graduating, its far more easier now to take him out, and plus with the new plan…"

 I was cutted out.

"Hermione, this isn't about Voldemort. Didn't you know? Haven't the Ministry contacted you yet?" Harry said referring to the fact that I work at the Homicide-Suicide Department. 

"Harry, know what honey?" I raised him a quizzical brow.

He leaned closer and said in an almost faint whisper "Draco Malfoy is dead." 

"Wow. Somebody's got some balls to do that. How heroic." I blurted out. Harry just looked at me dumbfounded.

"Hermione! How could you just say that? The guy's DEAD! C'mon, I know he was evil and stuff but still…"

Why the hell Harry cared that Malfoy was dead? "Murdered?" I interrogated him. 

"Hermione, this is not good. He was killed in a church, suffocated with a maroon and golden scarf and left with a note that said: "_For all you've done to us you crazy-ferret-fucker!" _How more obvious can you get!"

Harry was in the border of a stroke by now. He reminded by of my father, when his favourite soccer team lost a match. He needed .20mg of Prozac after that.

He continued "Doesn't it seem a little _ODD_ that he was murdered not on a raid, but in a CHURCH, with a bloody MAROON AND GOLDEN STRIPPED SCARF and left with a BLOODY NOTE! How positively more GRYFFINDOR CAN IT GET!" He exhaled frantically. 

How _discreet. _Harry was openly talking about a murder and about Gryffindor in a muggle café. The people there were _obviously_ staring. I smiled at the costumers and mouthed to them 'He's schizophrenic.'

"Harry…" I tried to sound as cool as possible "Doesn't it seem a little _odd _to you that he was killed in a _church_? Since when Malfoy is so religious anyway!"

"_Was. He's dead."_

"Oh get over it Harry!"

    Silence struck for a couple of minutes. I was doing my brainstorming.

"Then Harry, what's the fucking point of_ us_ getting out of London. I mean, he's no longer a menace to society." I snickered.

"Hermione, how can you be so…so…_morbid_?! Look, the Ministry will start looking for suspects, and we haven't got a clean record at Hogwarts. We just graduated six months ago! The first thing they'll look is for possible enemies of his! And besides, who were the ones who called him "ferret", _we were_!!

At this point, Harry was hyperventilating.

"Whoa, calm down mate! _All Aurors are possible suspects! The scarf…that's just a bloody scarf, everyone likes maroon and yellow! Look" I pointed at a young muggle "Even that muggle has one! Listen Harry; let's take this as an advantage. Whatever possible threat Malfoy is, now his not! And besides why go hysterics if we didn't kill him!"_

I looked at Harry's face. It looked somehow…different.

"Didn't we Harry?"

He sighed. "Guess you're right."

"I'm always right. Now let's go because I got to get to work pronto. Are you sure you're going to be ok?"

"Yeah." He whispered.

"See you handsome." I exited the café and got out of muggle sight. Then I apparated to my office in the Ministry.

I got to my office. Shit, I'm late! My boss is gonna kill me or worse…fire me! Relax…deep breath. Fake smile. Check.

"Miss Granger, how nice to see you here. I see you have _decided_ to change your working hours. Let me give you an advice. You just got here; don't even think of disrespecting my authority and my standards dear because you, unlike me, are totally DISPOSABLE."

That's Mr. Dick, my boss. How _ironic._ His name suits him so well. He reminds me so much of Snape. He is just as greasy as the Potions git, and has the same I'm-the-shit attitude. This guy is even more hopeless than Snape. He is fat, bald, and shorter than me; he has an egg-like body shape and he spits when he talks. And that facial grease. I can't stand that.

"I am most sorry Mr. Dick. I promise it won't happen again."

"Don't you worry dear, cause it won't! Now on to the new, you and Mr. Finnegan will handle the Malfoy case. Did you know Miss Granger that he was murdered or you were too busy painting your toes?" The slimy-bald egg addressed to me.

"Yes, I'm acquainted of the news sir."

Someone knocked in the door. It was Seamus. 

"Good morning sir, Hermione" Seamus said flashing a smile that even Lockhart could not compete with. Why the hell was he so happy anyway?

"You two…" The rest was blurry. The bloody egg has just officially spitted in my eye.

"Hermione, you ok?" Seamus hurried to my side. My eyes looked possessed, they were two red orbs now. What the hell did that guy had for saliva? Fucking poison?

"Don't worry, it's my lens…it shifted."

"Now get to work you amateurs!" The walking egg left the office. Seamus started laughing.

"It's not funny Finnegan. Next time I'll bring goggles so my eyes are protected."

"Hermione did you really heard? Malfoy's dead! Isn't that great! That 

asshole, he deserved that and much more…hahahaha…"

Now _this was morbid. So, I was __ok with Malfoy's death, but Finnegan is fucking thrilled! _

"_Okay_. We better get going or that greasy egg is going to fire us both."

Later on we apparated in what was a church for wizards who believed in the existence of Jesus. It was full of Ministry officers and yellow tape that said _MINISTRY LINE_,_ DO NOT CROSS_, and then it changedto_ CRIME SCENE_. It was a dimly lit place, medium-sized, with several wood benches and an altar. Malfoy's body was spread in one of the front-row benches, with a scarf hanged loosely around his neck and the note at his side. The sight was…disturbing. Even dead, Malfoy seemed evil. He had his eyes closed…strange. When you get strangled, don't you leave your eyes opened?

"Seamus, strangle me."

"Hermione, leave your suicidal thoughts for a minute."

"Just do it, I want to prove myself wrong. I don't want you to kill me, just strangle me for a minute."

"Okay…"

Seamus putted his hands around my neck. His grip was just…so soft. What the hell does he think he has to do, massage my neck?

"Seamus that grip is just pussy. DO IT LIKE A MAN!"

_Now_ he was gripping. Try it yourself. When you get strangled, your eyes are opened, giving you a clear vision of your enemy. It's fucking reflexes.

"S-eam--us---st-o-pp." I gargled. He was killing me!

"Pleased?"

He looked pissed. _Never_ mess with a man's "manhood".

"Thanks Seamus, now go to work."

"Draco Aristotle Malfoy. Male, White, 6'2, 157 pounds, Blonde hair, Blue eyes. Killed at 8:30 pm of yesterday." Seamus taped this information in a tiny recorder.

"Hermione is there anything more you want to check out?" Seamus suggested.

"Seamus, where's the priest?"

"Oh he said he was dropping by in about…umm…4 hours. Church business."

I examined the body. I carefully opened his eyes. This was weird. Didn't Malfoy have grey eyes? Got to check that out. 

"Seamus, where's his wand?"

Seamus swallowed hard. "I dunno. Let me check it out." Seamus revised all the pockets in his cloak. Nothing. 

"He didn't bring any briefcase…a wallet?"

"Oh here it is!" Seamus said bringing me the wand, an agenda and his wallet.

"Well, I guess that's it. Take this to Forensics and let them have it check for any prints or hair. Ok?"

"Yes my fair lady."

"Seamus, you take care of the evidence, I have to talk to some people first. I'll join you soon."

"Ok."

My first step is to find out what the fuck Malfoy did yesterday. I open his wallet. How cute. A picture of him and Parkinson naked. Sick. That's were I have to go. To Parkinson's house.

As I walk down the street and enter the condominium I see a very familiar face. It was Ginny.

"Ginny!" I shouted to grab her attention. She quickly wiped her face and came running to me. I hugged her hard.

"Ginny what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at school?" I gently raised her face. She was really crying.

"What's wrong honey?"

"It's just…*sniff*…He's…*sniff*"

"Oh its ok honey, take your time."

She looked at me for a while. It seems she was thinking of something.

"I'm supposed to be at Hogwarts but Mum and Dad went to Romania again and I didn't want to stay at the holidays all alone in there so I went to The Burrow and no one was home so *sniff* I went to the city to pass the time." The redhead told me more calmly. 

"Look honey this is what I want you to do. I want you to take this keys, go to my apartment and stay there until I get back, you hear me? Don't go outside. There's coffee and some food in the fridge. I have to work on Malfoy's case …" 

I was, once again, interrupted. She just exploded. She was crying inaccessibly.

"Go now; I'll be back soon, alright?" 

"Yes. Thanks Mione. OH MERLIN! *sniff*"

I watched her retreat. She couldn't be just crying because her parents weren't home, besides she knows better. She could've gone to the twin's shoppe at the Hogsmeade Station. She looked altered. Whatever, back to work.

I knocked on the door a few time until a very screechy voice replied 

"Who is it?"

"Miss Parkinson, is Hermione Granger from the Homicides Department, can you step outside a moment?"

"Mudblood?"

Oh fuck. How I hate that name. But what bothers me the most is that the so-called "purebloods" don't posses half of my abilities or my brains. They have no right in putting me down.

"Come in." 

Was that Parkinson? She looked like a wreck. Shit, I don't wanna see her in 10 years. She just would be unrecognizable! Not that I care, of course.

"Granger. So nice to see you. *sniff*

"Same here Miss Parkinson" '_Bitch'_

"Sit down. So, what brings you here?"

Wasn't that obvious? Oh god, her brain is the size of a snitch. "Well, I expect that by now you've been told of Draco Malfoy's death. Am I right?"

She looked at me. A long time. How long does it take her to think?!

"OH HERMIONE! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAD TO SUFFER! YOU KNOW, IT WAS NOT EASY TO HAVE A GOOD LOOKING FIANCE!"

O-Kay? Did she just call me Hermione? Did she just _imply _that I can't get a good-looking man?! The nerve with this woman! And what's with the little outburst anyway? Do I look like a shrink?

"OH MY SALAZAR SLYTHERIN, WHAT BURDEN DID YOU PUT UPON MY SHOULDERS…OHHHHH!!!!" The blonde girl threw herself to my shoulders giving me a bear hug. 

"Ok Pansy, can I call you Pansy?"

"Of course!"

"Tell me about your burden."

After 2 hours of continuous blabbing about Malfoy she got to the fucking point.

"And well, I was at my boutique talking to my friends about the newest trends when closing time comes. I closed the store and came directly home, to give Drakey a surprise. When I come home…how can I say this…I found him…*sniff*…"

"Yes?" This was so much fun!

"…shagging a redhead in there" She said pointing somewhere, but since her fingers were shaking I couldn't make up where the hell was.

"Where?"

"RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU'RE SITTING!"

EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I JUST SAT IN MALFOY'S SHAGGING PLACE. HOW FUCKING NASTY!

I instantly move to the other side of the couch. This was too much. It was going to take at least a mug of black coffee to tranquilize myself.

"And then what happened Pansy?" Oh this is _way_ too good! Now she's going to tell me how she castrated him and choked him.

"So I left the apartment. They were so consumed in their shagging that neither of them saw me. I thought that if I waited an hour this thing I was imaging will just disappear. But it didn't! I came back and…"

"And?" This time I was afraid to ask. Where else could Malfoy have sex?

"And I saw them…doing it…69!!!"

"OH, WHAT A SKANK!" I blurted out.

"In there…"

"Oh don't tell me…let me guess…where I'm sitting?"

"Yes."

At this moment, I decide to remain stand. What if they did it anywhere else?

"Pansy…" I have to control this woman in order to take some information out. "What happened next?" 

"Well, I threw that whore out and I started arguing with Drakey…until he took some of his things and left. He told me I would never see him again and I told him that I would make sure that it happened."

It was silent for a minute. 

"Pansy…look at me. You are beautiful. The Draco you knew is now gone and he can't make you suffer anymore. So, don't drop vain tears for that jerk who only purpose in life was shagging. Now, you go, have a nice hot bath, fix yourself…and go out! Find a man who isn't afraid of shagging YOU."

That was a weird mixture of a muggle flick and some reverse-psychology. 

"OH HERMIONE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! Would you go out with me tomorrow?"

"Errr…of course!" Remember all of this is in the name of research! 

"We'll then I'll see _you_ tomorrow!" I literally ran to the door.

"Oi! Wait Hermione! My card! Here are all my phones. Call me!"

WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!!!

**A/N:** Please we just want 3 things from you guys: First, tell us does it suck or is it worth of updating? Second, is Hermione acting like a chick? We are having our doubts about that. If you have any suggestions please e-mail us @ fredandgeorgeareshagginglords@hotmail.com

And third, please, we can be your sex slaves if you want, but please **review!!! **

**ShAg**** On!!!**

**FrEd**** & gEoRgE**


	2. Meeting with the Weasley

Last time on "Dead Blonde Skank": 

"OH HERMIONE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! Would you go out with me tomorrow?"

"Errr…of course!"  Remember all of this is in the name of research! 

"We'll then I'll see _you_ tomorrow!" I literally ran to the door.

"Oi! Wait Hermione! My card! Here are all my phones. Call me!"

  WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!!!

___________________________)*)___________________________

      I looked at Malfoy's agenda. I assumed he was vain, but I didn't know it was this much. The first entry read: Monday: Stylist checkup @ 3:00pm, Spa Reservation 5:00pm, Dinner with Joanne 10:30, Tuesday: Stylist checkup @6:30am, Quidditch practice 10:30am, Waxing 6:00pm, Dinner with Mel 10:15pm…   And so read on. The guy has seen a stylist more than I have in my entire life times 10. Waxing? Oh god, Mr. Vain. But something else caught my attention. Quidditch practice? I didn't know he played Quidditch…which team would it be…

THE CHUDLEY CANNONS?!!!

What the hell? He played Quidditch with Ron?! Oh, this is perfect. He was supposed to go to a meeting today.

I arrived at the field. I was twice the size as the Hogwarts field was. I am not a quidditch person, so I am not exactly thrilled to see this bunch a guys coming over me.

"Hey sweetness, what's your name"

"Lost something? Guess it was me."

"All those curves and my brakes just got broke!"

"You look great, but with me on top of you, even better!"

God! Haven't these ever seen a girl! Men are really stupid to come up with those one-liners; it makes me want to kick them in the nuts.

"Show's over fellas, go on I'll be there in a sec." A red-haired boy said to the animals. Lots of disappointed groans were heard.

Thank Merlin for Ron. At least he was good at something.

"Hermione!" He said as he hugged me "How nice to see you here! Came to see the practice?"

Poor Ron. I am a really interested person. I haven't seen him in 5 months and we live in the same goddamn neighbourhood! I can't just tell him 'No I do not came to visit you or the stupid Quidditch practice, I'm here so you can tell me all about Malfoy'.

"Yes…and no. I wanted to now how you are doing?"

"Oh well, I'm great! My dream was to play Quidditch professionally and I did it! As far as the love department, nada here."

"Oh" I giggled as a little brat. "And…"

"You want to know about Malfoy, right?"

Busted!

"Umm…well…if you can tell me something it'll be good."

"Well…he got on the team the same day as I did" His cheery voice deepened. 

"What position?" I asked stupidly

"Well, seeker of course."

"Oh with daddy's help?"

"I think so."

"Was he any good?"

"Harry is obviously better, but I guess he did just fine." He said with a lost stare. "We actually re-offered the position as seeker to Harry but he declined. He said it was "personal issues" but I know he just can't focus while You-Know-Who's around."

The animals started hooting. They were calling Ron "tiger" and throwing comments like "go get her" or so I heard.

He laughed. "I have to take care of these beasts now."

"Now? What do you mean?"

"Oh I'm not ditching you by the way. It's just that…Malfoy was the Captain and now I am" He smiled proudly.

My brain started working again. I gripped Malfoy's agenda real hard.

"Well Ron I don't want to keep you waiting. I have to go to work now, but take care alright honey?" I plastered a smile.

"Okay" he kissed me in the cheek. "See you later."

I turned in my heel and left. But before I started to exit the stadium something grabbed my arm.

"Mione. Wait" It was Ron, he was panting.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to go out tomorrow?"

"Oh…yeah. Ok, I'll call you" This time I was the one who give the kiss. Courtesy kiss.

He blushed. "Ok bye!"

The animals started cheering again.

Oh, this is going to be a long day!!

A/N: WE, THE WEASLEY TWINS WANT YOU, FAITHFUL REVIWER TO TELL US SIMPLY DOES OR DOEN'T IT SUCKS? WE JUST WANNA KNOW THAT. THESE FIRST CHAPTERS ARE NOT GOING TO BE REALLY GOOD BECAUSE THEY ARE PROLOUGUES! ONCE THE ACTION GETS IN…


	3. The Priest, the Suspect and the Coffee

Last time on "Dead Blonde Skank": 

"Mione. Wait" It was Ron, he was panting.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to go out tomorrow?"

"Oh…yeah. Ok, I'll call you" This time I was the one who give the kiss. Courtesy kiss.

He blushed. "Ok bye!"

The animals started cheering again.

Oh, this is going to be a long day!!

_________________________)*)_____________________________

It was getting late. I still had to go to the church to meet with the priest. Maybe he knew something. Oh hell! Ginny was at home alone with a crisis. I'm so exhausted I just want to go home and crawl into my bed. Or maybe I'll take Malfoy's appointment at the spa…

I reached the church. It looked really creepy at night. Dead Jesus, some guy with bloody hands, freaky paintings. As I entered, I saw a shadow walking by. I bit nails to the mere thought of the unknown. Gryffindor bravery my arse! I just my want to get out of here! The shadow kept getting closer…and closer…and closer until…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I screamed.  I couldn't hold it anymore.

"Gave you a fright my child?" A young looking man told me.

No shit father.

"Yes father." I couldn't see his face in the dark. But that voice…that peculiar voice…

"Well, why brings you here?"

"LONGBOTTOM!" I yelled. I knew that voice was familiar. But…why the hell is Neville a priest?

"Oh you know me?"

"Yes! It's Hermione Granger from Hogwarts!"

Silence.

Could this guy be so thick? We just recently graduated, and already forgot his classmates.

"OI, Hermione!!! How are you doing? I seem to have problems on remembering things recently!"

"Well, I'm ok. I want this to be brief. Just 2 questions ok?" I explain this as if he was a kindergarten boy.

"Ok, go on."

"What did you do yesterday?"

"Oh me? Well, to tell you the truth I don't remember!"

What?! He doesn't remember what he did last night? Don't even bother to push it.

"And the second question?"

This he remembers.

"Why are you a priest?" I asked honestly. 

"You see, this is not a normal muggle church. This is a Wizards Who Believe in Jesus Congregation. When I left Hogwarts, I was so empty, and I wanted to find something. And I found Jesus."

"Great, good for you. Don't you remember _anything? _Not even a blonde guy who came in around non-mass hours?"

"Errr…no."

"Ok well gotta go!"

"Are you looking for something Hermione?"

"More like someone" I replied truthfully as I exited the church.

"Maybe it's Jesus!!!" He shouted back.

"I highly doubt so." I replied to myself.

It's just the first day of research. It usually takes weeks to gather all evidence all come up with an answer. It was the first day of research, and I already have a list of suspects.

The main one is possibly Pansy Parkinson. Devoted fiancé and then…puff! She finds Malfoy with another woman, and tells him she would make sure he doesn't see her again. Isn't that incriminating?

The other suspect is Neville. I mean, the guy made Neville's staying at Hogwarts a living hell. Like most criminals, he returned to the crime scene later on, and uses the same excuse "I don't remember." Plus, he's a priest, everyone believes priests are saints! 

I don't stop there. I think maybe Ron could do it. What was the whole _"you crazy-ferret-fucker" thing? He loved calling Malfoy a ferret. And not only that but with Malfoy's death he could sneak Harry into the team __and make himself Captain._

And there's Harry. Why was he so nervous? Shouldn't he be a little relieved? A Malfoy less in his back. An easier way to get to Voldemort. He looked like one of those people who think they are constantly watched. He was looking to all sides, like a madman. He looked _kind of guilty._

And finally, Seamus. He looked _extremely_ happy. Oh and what he said: "Hermione did you really heard? Malfoy's dead! Isn't that great! That asshole, he deserved that and much more…" And his psycho laugh "hahahahaha". Maybe he had a scarf that day and choked him with that, because he's _really good at choking._

But then again, why didn't Malfoy use his wand in self-defence? He was good at duelling so I don't understand it. Oh fuck it.

At this point, I'm beyond tired. I should just put a piece of carton in the floor and sleep on it in the streets. I have black circles under my eyes due lack of sleeping. Maybe that mug of coffee I thought about would do me good.

OH SHIT! I didn't thought of it I have a date with Pansy _and Ron the same day! What the hell I'm gonna do!_

COFFEE…COFFEE…COFFEE…COFFEE

I pulled my pants off the same time as I was driving. They were starting to piss me off. So I was left in a tight black tee and my black knickers. Thank Merlin I decided not to wear grannies today.

There it was. A café. Oh hail the person who invented coffee!

COFFEE…COFFEE…COFFEE…COFFEE

This was beyond desire…this was lust. Lust for coffee. I threw on my cloak and closed it so no one would see I was in my knickers. I quickly entered the café, ordered a tall black and left like a bolt of lightning. What luck. It started raining. Hard. As I hurried to the car, I felt my cloak started swinging behind me. I looked back, hoping it wasn't damp with the new found rain. It wasn't just _damp, IT WAS SOAKED. MY NEW CLOAK! SHIT! I tighten my grip to the only possession left, a mug of black coffee. As I looked forward, something odd happens…  _

CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE SERIOUSLY NOT LEAVING IT THERE.

My new steaming BLACK COFFEE has been poured in my shirt. And somebody is on top of me…

**A/N:**** CLIFFHANGER!!! MATE, SOLVED THE MYSTERY ALREADY? IS IT PANSY? IS IT POTTY? IS IT OUR BROTHER? FINNEGAN OR IS IT NEVILLE AND THE TOAD? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF "DEAD BLONDE SKANK"!!!**

**To the people that just, plainly and simply…ROCK:**

LoLiTA*~!: Our first reviewer ever!!! Congradulations, you just won yourself a sloppy snob. And well, it'll be our pleasure to shag _you._

fUCK!NG MAGIcaL Me!: 

FRED: Your name is really cool!

GEORGE: Now, now, you have to wait to the next chapter to know who killed Malfoy!

GameOfLove:

FRED: Not for kiss-assing proposes, but we love you fic!

GEORGE: And yes, Draco _can_ burn in hell for all we care!

PassionPolice237: 

FRED: Percy…that's really an evil name if you ask me.

GEORGE: But then why isn't Voldie named Percy?

FRED: Because he isn't evil enough.

GEORGE: Oh. Well, glad you like it!

RoBi darkO cOrNeLio RoSa:

FRED: We just want to make a parenthesis here, but…

GEORGE: WE DIDN'T KNEW THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO Robi Draco Rosa!!! He's like, the coolest guy ever!

FRED: You sound gay mate.

some1: 

FRED: That's like an enigma.

GEORGE: Who in fuck's name killed Malfoy? That was a good title. Hey, review again won't you!

Atellix:

FRED: Hermione kicks arse.

GEORGE: Yeah, she's all Sherlock Holmes by now.

Neveada:

FRED: You are one hell of a clever reader.

GEORGE: No one notices how odd was Ginny acting or what effect it could have on the story, so we'll leave it there for you. Hope you can resolve the mystery. You're clever!

Katvirgo:

FRED: You'll beta for us? *pleads with puppy-dog eyes*

GEORGE: You're the best! We'll e-mail you soon so we can talk. *winks*


	4. The Coffee Spiller

Last time on "Dead Blonde Skank":

This was beyond desire…this was lust. Lust for coffee. I threw on my cloak and closed it so no one would see I was in my knickers. I quickly entered the café, ordered a tall black and left like a bolt of lightning. What luck. It started raining. Hard. As I hurried to the car, I felt my cloak started swinging behind me. I looked back, hoping it wasn't damp with the newfound rain. It wasn't just _damp, IT WAS SOAKED. MY NEW CLOAK! SHIT! I tighten my grip to the only possession left, a mug of black coffee. As I looked forward, something odd happens…  _

My new steaming BLACK COFFEE has been poured in my shirt. And somebody is on top of me…

__________________________)*)____________________________

 My head was spinning. Everything around me seemed to go so slow. The street dim lights looked like Broadway signs to me; my eyes blurred by the rain.

"You just destroyed my coffee, body on top of me," I managed to whisper to the creature cutting off my air supply.

_It_ just smiled.

The body stood up and helped me on my feet.

I looked down at my shirt. Thank Merlin it was black or else I could've been the happy winner of the nearest wet t-shirt contest. _Nice._

"Fancy a new mug?"_ It_ said. So, the "body" was a boy. No wonder it was so heavy. I didn't bother to hesitate. I nodded my head like those little bobbing-head dashboard dogs. 

As we entered the café, he motioned his hand to a nearby table, and pulled out a chair for me. 'Two black coffees, tall please.' Oh great, the boy had manners. And I thought all hope in men was lost!

All I could see of him was his back. He was wearing a gray muggle jacket with a hood, some loose fit jeans and…WHAT A TIGHT ASS! OH STOP IT! You don't even know this guy! Well…what's wrong with looking? After all, is not like is forbidden to look!

My thoughts were interrupted for the three thousandth time in one day. This time, pleasantly enough by the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

"Here."

"Thanks," I replied in a small voice. I know it was not polite of me to not even properly introduce myself, but the craving was far beyond my control.

I think I gulped down half the cup in mere seconds. _How ladylike_.

"Tough day?"

"The worst. First, my best friend goes psycho on me, then my boss is being a pain in the arse, my other guy friend is hitting on me--- Oh pardon me, you really don't want to hear this from a complete stranger," I said sincerely adding a girly giggle.

He bowed his head, letting the hot steam emanating from the coffee cover his face. "I don't mind."

I looked at my hair. It was weighed down by the rain. I didn't mind though. At least it wasn't a frizz ball.

"Its just… ahhh!" I let out a small scream in exasperation. 

He grinned.

All of a sudden the café lights went out, giving it a homey look to it. We were lit only by levitating candles. Under other circumstances, it would've been pretty romantic. I made out the smile in his face. His face was in partial shadow. The dim lights danced around his slightly tanned skin. He had his jacket's hood on so I couldn't make much of his hair. Still, a thin brown bang escaped from the hood.

All I wanted was to point a lamp at his face so I could see it clearly. He had a decently mysterious appearance, plus he responded in one-liners. 

I thought about my day again. 

"This guy even dead is a pain in the arse!"

Thank Merlin he doesn't know of whom I'm talking about. His smile grew wider. He looked so cute.

I drank some more of my coffee. I was now more relaxed. I let it all out with a stranger. This is a very highly unlike-me thing to do. But bloody hell, it felt good.

Lights went suddenly went back on. We instinctively looked to the ceiling as I drank some more coffee. Thank you Merlin! This was my chance to meet my coffee-spiller.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, our muggle source of light is now officially repaired" A voice was heard from the levitated speakers.

His grin faded. Now he was looking more seriously at me.

"I…" He started to talk.

I couldn't believe what I saw. My eyes were betraying me. That mysterious boy I stumbled across…he looks like…wow. Maybe he's a distant sibling.

Oh bloody hell. His eyes.

I spitted out the coffee I had in my mouth.

"Excu---se me, I just… be right back!" I slowly made my way to the exit of the café. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed again.

I tried to regain my composure. I tucked my dripping hair behind my ear. I entered the café and sat down. Now I was acting in zombie mode.

I looked at him for a while. I extended my hand to take off his hood. 

Brown hair.

 Ha! Strike _one_; he isn't who I think it is!

"What?!" He looked at me with a puzzled looked, incredulous of what I was doing.

I examined his face. Too damn tanned - strike _two. _

I got to his eyes. There was something about them… that scared me. It wasn't fear; I just… knew them from somewhere before. 

_"Silver eyes,"_ I whispered in amazement. 

Realization struck me. Reality spanked me in the arse. I opened my eyes to this new vision.

"Fucking Malfoy," I said in a faint whisper, barely inches from his face.

Open wide smirk from him. "Fancy seeing you again Granger."

**A/N: So there you have it! But…expect more mysteries to crack. Remember to pay attention to every detail… And also remember, very important to fucking review…it's not that hard!!! So, on to other matters, our priority is to review for other writers and well, we've been slacking off lately. But don't worry; our reviews will get soon to your e-mails!  **

**Mates, we bow for you…and for your clever reviews:**

GameOfLove: (hearing from you again has been heaven to us darling!)

FRED:You know, we really don't know why Neville became a priest.

GEORGE: But I must day we've outdone ourselves on that one.

bz:

FRED:Our story is meant to be confusing mate.

GEORGE: The only thin required is to pay attention to the little things and laugh about stupid sarcasm!

DracoGirl:

FRED: We're more than pleased that you liked it and that you are laughing your arse off!

GEORGE: Just one thing…change your penname…I don't know, maybe George'sGirl would suit you better.

FRED: I beg to differ; maybe IlOVEFred is more like it…Malfoy sucks! Still, we write stories about him. *_*

****Katvirgo: Our wonderful beta! This is your masterpiece, not ours. We love you and appreciate what you are doing for us so much!!!

Neveada:

FRED: Our detective is back!

GEORGE: Hermione's on her knickers!! I mean, she's a feminist-liberated woman now so it figured!

FRED: Plus, we wanted Malfoy to check her out so.

GEORGE: And there is something about a certain girl…

FRED: About the review thing, I do believe that getting reviews is a good thing, but what we're really interested is in the people that has previously read the story, and comes back and makes new comments about it. That is super.

Kikoris:

FRED: We're glad Neveada really likes the story that much!!! And the suspects might pull a fast one…who knows?

GEORGE: And don't worry, crying over spilled coffee is a natural thing to do.

Kriss:

FRED: Here's to our favourite reviewer.

GEORGE: First, she says the story is cool. Then, she gives us a threat and then sarcastically suggests we stop being lazy asses (our nature) and write more.

FRED: So for that, and much more, you kriss, deserve a daring snog from us. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!

 **ShAg** On!****


	5. Desperate Times Call Desperate Measures

Last time on "Dead Blonde Skank":

_"Silver eyes."_ I whispered in amazement. 

Realization struck me. Reality spanked me in the arse. I opened my eyes to this new vision.

"Fucking Malfoy." I said in a faint whisper, barely inches from his face.

Open wide smirk from him. "Fancy seeing you again Granger."

_________________________)*)____________________________

"But--but you're supposed to be dead! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A DEAD BLONDE…SKANK!!!"

"Oh please! I like to think of myself as _resurrected_."

Maybe Longbottom was right; maybe all I needed to find was Jesus. Or at least something resurrected.

"Wait. I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT! WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL DIDN'T I TRUST MY INSTINCTS?!"

"Calm down Granger. _Breathe_."

"I CANNOT CALM DOWN! YOU--YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING!" I stood up abruptly. I had hyperventilated by now.

"Bloody hell Granger; are you in your knickers?" Malfoy said quite amused, tilting his head to one side and lifting up my cloak.

How the hell did he notice that I took off my pants!!! "SOD OFF!"

"You better keep you voice down _woman_, or someone might take you to St. Mungo's. Not that I mind though."

He was right; I was making quite a scene here. But hell, who wouldn't?!

I sat down. 

_Breathe Hermione, breathe._ I needed to come up with a plan.

Bloody Gryffindor, I'm so brilliant! I decided to go all tough on this one. I looked at him square in the eye.

"Perfect crime, huh?" He said to me with that hideous smirk of his.

"Ha ha ha!" I laughed like a maniac. Seriously, I must've looked like Filch. "You won't get away with it _ferret,_ you're so-called plan has its flaws. You're screwed."

"Oh really_? Enlighten __me Granger."_

"You see, _dear, the first mistake was the eyes. You have silver eyes and the corpse has blue eyes."_

I heard him muttering something, which I believe was the word "Shit."

"Not like anyone would pay attention to that." He smiled proudly.

"Not only that, but you "passed away" with your eyes closed. You see, when someone gets strangled, choked or suffocated a flashy ninety-seven percent of the people die with their eyes opened. You're against the odds Malfoy." I smiled like I used to on those Gryffindor days. "Wanna see?"

I threw myself across the table, and started to choke Malfoy. Oh, seven years of torment that has finally paid off. 

"--Gerrofff!!" He managed to say. He touched his neck.

 "Well ok, maybe I'm of the selected group of three percent."

"Oh please! Just let me ask you something Malfoy."

"Yes, I too find myself desirable."

I scoffed. Egomaniac!

"Why the hell did you choose such a… dishonourable way to die? I mean, getting murdered by a Gryffindor; how low of a pure-blooded Slytherin like yourself!"

"You see my dearest Granger; it seems that your brain is malfunctioning today. It would've been _lower_ to die in a bloody raid by filthy Auror hands. In addition to that, St. Dumbledore and St. Potty would've taken all the fucking glory and my death would've been a total mockery to both sides. In the eyes of the wizarding world it would be more, dare I say, _tragic if I was murdered in a Wizards Who Believe in Jesus Congregation, practising my religion, killed by some heartless scum. Of course, I, being the gentleman I am, didn't want to use my wand in front of Jesus so I fought bravely mano a mano. Oh, and the best part? A Gryffindor is taking the dirt all the way to Azkaban. See Granger, my plan __is flawless. The Ministry is so dumb and so conscious of the British image to the rest of the wizarding world that they'll just make someone close the case soon. They won't bother to do the research you're doing, and they won't pay attention to a lousy freshman like you."_

ME? LOUSY? Although I have to give him some credit, he said all of that without even taking a breather.

_*Ring, ring*_

I pointed my index finger at him. "Hold that thought."

I picked up my cell phone. "Hello? OK, listen to me honey; I'll get home as soon as I can… love you!"

He raised me a brow. "What was that all about? Problems with Potty or was it the ever-opportunist Captain Weasel?

"Oh screw you Malfoy, go to hell."

"Oh don't worry I've been there. It's quite fancy this time of year."

Oh, he was getting on my nerves! I needed to do something to catch this prick. I would get a nice promotion with a "capture" like this one. My brain started working overtime.

Desperate times call desperate measures.

"You're _so fucked. I'm wired sucker. I have evidence of all this lovely chat. Now put your hands on your back and let me escort you out of here before the Ministry comes and makes a huge scene out of you." I stood up and flashed him a vigorous smirk._

I started to recite his rights like a muggle cop-show detective would. 

"Tsk, Tsk, Tsk; now, now Granger…" He said in a seductive tone.

OH BLOODY FUCK. I felt a breeze between my legs. Fucking ferret! Using his wand, he took of my cloak, leaving me in my _knickers_- in a public place. Make that a VERY well known place by EVERYONE and VERY frequently visited by MINISTRY PEOPLE public place. Wizards and witches started staring.

" …When you learn how to lie, you give me a call," Malfoy sent a wink in my direction and stood up, "with that cell phone of yours." He had my cloak in his filthy hands! 

I bent my knees together trying to cover my privates with one hand while the other one held my freezing arse. "THIS IS NOT OVER…_BITCH_!" I yelled at him in a very manly way, or at least the way my father used to yell at the football players on TV, while covering my privates and my freezing arse, while escaping from the café in the quest to avoid more public humiliation. On the way out I grabbed my cloak and swung it over my shoulders.

He just smirked. Damn him!!!

I opened my car door and sat there doing up the buttons of my cloak. I looked up and saw him exiting the café with a grin on his face. As I looked up to see what he was doing I found he had disappeared. Damn it! Now what am I going to do…

**A/N: Ha! Another chapter! So, you may think the mystery is over. Think again…**

_In another part of town, a very well-known wizard is murdered brutally._

**A/N: So that's it for Chapter 5!!! Hope you like it!!! Book, Fuck finally!!!  But, as the plot thickens, what will happen to our characters? *suspense music* What the hell is wrong with Ginny? What will happen to Hermione? Why the hell won't we get more reviews? These enigmas and more will be answered in the next "Dead Blonde Skank"!**

**Here's to the chibiest people in the world:**

AlienSmile13:

Fred: Thanks for the death threat greatly appreciated!

George: And thank you for liking our story even though it really sucks, we know you say all that to get laid with us!

Fred: Good effort.

Neveada:

Fred: We love the story, but the best part is when we come up! ^_^

George: You'll see later on why Malfoy is all Miami Vice, is not purely vainness.

Fred: Don't forget about us and drop a message soon!

some1:

Fred: Thanks for thinking about us!!!

George: Glad you like the story!!!

Heather Malfoy:

Fred: Mwahahahahaha!!!

George: Dearest Heather, some1 and I share an opinion. Malfoy CAN burn in hell for all we care, but since you like him so much, we're keeping him. Happy?

Fred: Thanks for reviewing!

sleepy-kitty:

Fred: We are funny perverts thank you very much.

George: And yes he resurrected from the dead to drink some coffee.

Fred: I would.

George: Yeah, me too.

GameOfLove:

Fred: HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Nice impression of the guy in Monty Python!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Ok.

George: We'll write to you as soon as we can! We promise!

To MISS Haley:

Fred: Thanks for liking the story and for saying it kicks ass!!! I didn't think of it that way, but it's wicked!

good charlotte lover:

George: Well, we really don't know if it is a flame or what but as we said earlier, the real plot will come in the next chapters.

Fred: And still, we don't want this story to be really like serious and stuff, just easy to read and to laugh.

Kriss:

Fred: Hail to kriss!

DracoGirl:

Fred: Your suggestion is quite accurate.

George: Yeah, iLOVEtheweasleytwins sounds tight.

Katvirgo:

Fred: Para la mujer más hermosa del universo…

George: We're getting poetic here.

TeretzSycho:

Fred: Thank you, thank you!!!

Krikoris:

Fred: Krikoris is back!!!

George: Oh don't worry…take your time reviewing…WHY IN THE BLOODY FUCK DIDN'T YOU REVIEW EARLIER?!?!

Fred: Thanks!

bz:

Fred: We're glad is not so confusing anymore.

Fred: Must be the beta.

TO SOME BRITISH CHICK WITH AN ATTUD:

Fred: and yes…BRIT RULESSSS!!!

**And to all we forgot, thanks!!! We'll give you a shout on the next, 'kay?**

**ShAg On!!!**


	6. Hiding in the Pigster

**A/N: The biggest A/N in the world…ever.: **Hello again everyone! Firstly, Merry Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Three Kings Day…whatever rocks your boat! Second, congrats to all of us for the great news that the 6th book will come out on June. Cheers! Third, we just recently realized we haven't updated…in a year. It has a logical explanation though. Too long, too boring…rubbish really. The thing is thanks to all those reviews and e-mails, especially from HAILEY, who made sure we knew we were in the doghouse, we decided to post. The story will take a new course now, not the one we had written already, and that was pure rubbish. Let's just hope you like the following chapters, or else we will be forced to update yearly.

So enough of the blabbing and on with the story!

* * *

**Last time, on "Dead Blonde Skank":**

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk; now, now Granger…" He said in a seductive tone.

OH BLOODY FUCK. I felt a breeze between my legs. Fucking ferret! Using his wand, he took of my cloak, leaving me in my _knickers_- in a public place. Make that a VERY well known place by EVERYONE and VERY frequently visited by MINISTRY PEOPLE public place. Wizards and witches started staring.

" …When you learn how to lie, you give me a call," Malfoy sent a wink in my direction and stood up, "with that cell phone of yours." He had my cloak in his filthy hands!

* * *

Today was the most unmemorable day of my life. As fuck. 

It was not a bad day…a HORRIBLE one. And I bet it won't get better.

Finally I got to my flat. I tried not to think of the past hour events. But something caught my attention at that very moment.

Something moving in my couch.

How could I forget! Ginny was home!

"Ginny, what are you doing outside of Hogwarts? I mean, Mrs. Weasley asked you to stay there in the holidays, right?"

"Hermione, I am so sorry to barge in like that! I called you so many times and you didn't pick up your mobiIite or whatever so I came here."

"It's ok Ginny" I interrupted her. "You are more than welcomed in my love shack." I replied to her with my very own impersonation of Sean Connery.

She laughed.

"But still, why aren't you with the twins?"

"I don't like to spend my free time trying to camouflage myself to the house so they won't test me for their new products."

"Good answer Ginevra."

She gave me an icy glare.

"Please, don't call me that." The redhead replied through her teeth.

Wow. Someone's got some P.M.S. case building up. I haven't bothered her in the past for me to call her that so why would she start now. Oh, never mind.

"Ginny, what's wrong honey…you seem so down."

"Oh Hermione, you wouldn't understand…after all, is not like you had a…forget it."

There it goes again.

People making false assumptions about me. Because I graduated top of my class and probably the highest score ever in Hogwarts, doesn't mean I don't have time for "love" or at least some kind of male-female relationship. I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT!

"Ginny, you may think I don't know about…as corny as it sounds… _love_ like other girls you know could but yet, _I'm still a bloody girl_!!!"

"I didn't mean it like that…"

"Whatever Ginny."

"You're totally right Hermione, I mean the thing with Viktor…and umm…"

"Yes?"

"…umm…my brother?"

"Which one?"

"Ron."

"That one? Then I've never been your brother's girlfriend."

"Significant other?"

Bloody Merlin! Maybe Ginny was right. Maybe _everyone_ was right. I've never had a serious relationship with anyone! Not with Viktor, neither Ron…nor Harry. Ew! That would be incest. The only thing I remember close to a relationship was…

Little Riley.

It is a rarely known fact that I actually had a boyfriend in my life. Little Riley was an Irish boy with big blue eyes, and long, spiky brown hair. He always wore these big lame-ass shades. Oh, he had a fixation with eighties cop shows. It was ridiculous. He had the plastic badge. He had his hair styled back, with an open chest shirt. And the worst? He had glued a curly wig to his chest. We were thirteen for Merlin's sakes! He used to ride his bike and shoot everyone with fake gun. It was pitiful. Well, we hanged out a couple of times as we grew up but when I discovered that he still had that ridiculous obsession, I sent him packing. That's the story of my life.

"Oh fuck it Ginny. I'm a pansy I know."

"You're not a pansy! You just…haven't found the right guy yet."

"I guess I'll never find him because…he doesn't exist! There is no one in this ludicrous world that can actually have a sustainable conversation with for at least thirty minutes without mentioning Quidditch as a topic."

"He does exist. I am sure." My red-haired friend said to me with dreamy eyes. Was she still in love with Harry?

I rested my head on her lap.

"So, how was your day?"

"Oh Ginny…it has been the worst so far."

"Even worsen than when you found Snape taking a piss in Dumbledore's loo?"

"No Ginny, that was morbid. This was horrible."

"Tell me laddy." She said as she poured a glass of wine for me.

"You can't drink, you're too young."

"Wow Hermione, a couple of months from you is a big difference don't you think?"

"Oh Ginny…" I started telling her about how psychotic Harry looked, how Ron was hitting on me, about my boss and how over friendly Seamus seemed this days, about Parkinson and…

About Malfoy.

Ginny dropped her glass of wine to my new ivory carpet.

"I'll…I'll be right back I just.... need some fresh air for…a moment?" Her voice sounded shaky.

Shit, my white carpet is ruined…

What is it with people and finding out that Malfoy is dead? Why do they get sacred? Shouldn't they jump and cheer? So…why in hell she went a little berserk?

"Hermione, are you sure of this?"

"Yes. Why?"

"This is big news!" She said slightly happier. "Here."

"What the hell is that?" Why is she so happy now?

"Oh this?" She said pointing at the indigo coloured bottle. "This is a new beverage. It has by far the strongest mix of alcohols. Loads of Fire Whiskey. It will make you drunk for sure. Want some?"

"No. I think I'll just stick to the cheap wine. Where did you get that?"

"Knockturn Alley."

"WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN KNOCKTURN ALLEY?!"

"Don't worry, I bought this some time ago and I was accompanied."

"O-kay." My face was contortioned with an expression of disapproval. But hell, Ginny was almost of age; she needed to make her own choices.

"Ginny, I need to get to bed. I need to regain my composure. Tomorrow's a big day."

"Ok. Well, see you in the morning sweetness."

Finally. Some time to get my thoughts in order. After I carefully drained my mishaps into my pensive, I decided unanimously that I needed a bath.

Thank you to whoever invented everlasting hot water.

**The Next Morning…**

"Rise and shine frizz ball!!!"

"Oh shit." I muttered.

"Granger I thought this was not over... For a woman of your wits, you certainly have the mouth of a sailor."

"I've learned to curse. And then again, what the FUCK are you doing in MY flat at…what time is it?"

"3 o'clock…afternoon."

"…yeah, sitting in MY bed, having the _balls_ to wake me up after the ordeal you have putted me through."

"I haven't done anything Granger; it's you who is making an extensive deal out of this." He plastered his best impression of an "angelic" grin. The man is too evil to pull that!

"Do you realize what you are doing to my head? I am desperate to grab you by your white arse and drag you to the Ministry and tell everyone the truth, that you are alive!"

He smirked. Then, he lent forward to my ear and said in an almost silent whisper:

"_Who's stopping you?" _

"HERMIONEEEE!! WAKE UP, RON SEND YOU AN OWL…OH AND THERE ARE 3 PARCELS FROM THE MINISTRY!!!!" The screeching voice of Ginny Weasley interrupted.

'_Shit!!!!!'_

"HIDE QUICKLY!!!"

"Where in this hideous pigster?!?!"

"In…in… IN THE CLOSET!!!"

I threw Malfoy in the closet just in time. I rested my body in the closet door making a model-like pose.

"Morning Ginny."

"Who were you talking to?"

"Ummm, no one just…ummm…singing.

Ginny arched a brow.

"Anyway, what were you saying?"

"Oi! There are three owl posts from the Ministry and one from Ron."

"Hand me the Ministry ones first."

And so I read. It was Eggy, as I call him, the Boss. I haven't showed up to the office in exactly one and a half day. Loads of due paperwork. But thankfully no Howlers.

"Blah blah blah… Seamus blabbing some more…Oh my Merlin."

"What is it?"

"A letter…"

"Like…Duh!" Ginny replied. Oh, she looked so much like Parkinson.

"From…" I couldn't believe it.

"From who?" Ginny said.

"No one important." It was a letter from Lucius Malfoy. This man had some nerve!!! Blaming and threatening me! I was re reading the letter when a loud noise came from the closet. It sounded like a lot of boxes and stuff fell from the top shelves.

Maybe Malfoy is dead. That would be smashing!

"But why would he reckon I…" I gasped

"Oh Oh I wanna read this one!!!"

I looked at Ginny "Ron's?"

"Oh yeah. Listen…"

"Dear Hermione…" Ginny read changing her usually girly voice to a manly one "I hope you're doing great. You didn't owled me back so I figured you had a shitload of work." Ginny interrupted herself off and added "How romantic and gentlemanlike"

She continued with the manly voice "I was hoping you don't refuse this invitation for dinner at Cheo, the place where you told me usually all muggle English sportsmen hang out. I wish you can make it. Send your answer with Pig. Love, Ron."

"Are you planning to go?"

"Fat chance Ginny."

"Oh c'mon!!!"

"I don't have anything to wear."

"Of course you do!!! All you have to do is open up that dusty closet."

"NO!!! DON'T OPEN IT!!!" I instinctively extended my arms in order to protect my BIG piece of evidence that inhabited the closet from Ginny.

"Why?" Ginny said in a half laugh.

"Because…ummm…I think I will use that dress that Molly and Ron gave to me on my birthday. The dress that _you _have amongst your belongings"

Ginny grinned. "Ohhh, _that_ old thing."

"And on your way out do me a favour, send a parchment to Ron and tell him I'm going. Oh, and shut the door, I need to get prepared."

"Yes ma'm."

I let a huge sigh of relieve.

"You can come out now ferret."

"Shit Granger what the hell do you store in this…thing you call a closet?! BRICKS?! My brain is bloody pounding by the shit you own that fell in my expensive head!!!"

I just scoffed.

"I think you have enough grey matter in you head to know when to make an exit."

"How do you even dare to kick me out?"

"No, the thing is you were never invited, is more like…OUT!!!"

"We'll meet again…and we will finish this conversation."

"I recall it has been finished."

He gave me the finger and then vanished into thin air.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, that's it for now…at least. We urge you mates to leave a review…IT'S UTTERLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO SO…

**Oi!**: Before we go out and get blitzed for the third time this week, we have a request. We receive a really wicked mail asking a pretty relevant question, _Do you hate Harry?_ Answer, we don't. There is just one character in the whole series that we loathe with every will of our hearts…HAGRID. WE hate Hagrid goddamit! That is such a boring-arse character! We siriusly despise him. Sorry if any Hagrid fans out there! blush So, since we found this an intriguing question, we really want to know which character you despise the most. Which leads us to this enigma: WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD MAKE A GREAT ENTRANCE RUG FOR DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE? You know our answer already. Fat Oaf. Send us yours!

ShAg On!


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